It Was Me Read online

  I walked a little, my muscles like rubber. It had been ages since I'd run like that. I was in piss poor shape, I realized. Sure, I'd looked okay out on the field at the try-outs but there was no way I was at the top of my game. Not physically and definitely not mentally.

  I sank to the grass and stretched my legs out in front of me. I gazed back out at the bay. I wanted Abby. Abby wanted me to go to school. If I went, I lost her. If I stayed, I lost her.

  I yanked at the grass, removing a fistful. I tossed it aside and reached for another, tugging hard. It eventually pulled free and I launched it like I was firing a baseball. Dirt flew back in my face, stinging my eyes, but I didn't care. The dirt mingled with tears I didn't know I had. I brushed at them angrily, my fingers turning a muddy brown.

  I was fucked.

  Whatever I did, I'd lose the most important thing in my life.

  But, if I was smart, I could still have the second most important thing.

  Baseball.

  THIRTY NINE

  Griffin was lounging in the recliner, beer in hand, when I came back from my run. He held it up in greeting.

  I kicked off my tennis shoes at the front door. “How were the roommates?”

  He shrugged. “Fucking kooks.”

  “Yeah?” I hated that part of me was happy hearing that.

  “Yeah.” He took a swig of his beer. “Pretty sure one was gay. And you know, that's all fine and good, right? I mean, I'm all for the rainbow. But he fucking stared at my dick the whole time we were talking. Like, licked his lips.” Griffin shuddered and swallowed another mouthful. “Yeah. No, thanks.”

  I sat down on the couch and peeled off my socks.

  “Jesus, dude.” He pinched his nose. “You fucking reek.”

  I tossed a sock at him and he swatted it down.

  “So one gay guy. Anyone else?”

  “Yeah. Some former Marine. Just back from Afghanistan.”

  “And that was a no-go?”

  “He had dead eyes, man,” Griffin said. “You know? Like, he was nice enough but he was creepy. He smiled and shit but it never reached his eyes. Pretty sure he'd go ape shit some night and slit my throat or something.”

  “Probably.”

  He sighed. “Got two more people coming by tomorrow. I'm hoping for someone normal.”

  “Fingers crossed.”

  He drained the beer and set it on the coffee table. “You survive work?”

  I nodded.

  “Getting home kind of late,” he commented. “You got new hours or something?”

  “No.” I sat there for a minute, debating whether or not I wanted to share what had gone down with Abby. If he noticed I was wrestling with something, he didn't show it, just stared at the TV screen.

  “So I saw Abby today,” I said.

  He raised an eyebrow. “Yeah?”

  “Yeah.”

  “How'd that go?”

  I told him.

  At one point, he hopped up from the recliner and grabbed a couple more beers. Wordlessly, he twisted off the cap and handed me a bottle before opening his.

  When I finished telling him, he expelled a slow breath. “Wow.”

  “Pretty much.”

  “Gotta say, I didn't see that coming,” he said.

  “Yeah. Me, either.”

  “And she's serious about breaking things off?”

  I nodded.

  He shook his head. “I will never understand women. Ever. Maybe I should try the gay thing.”

  I shot him a look and he grinned.

  “Kidding,” he said. “Not an ass man. In any way.” I smiled and he said, “I just mean that chicks are fucking psycho. They make no sense. None.”

  I didn't argue.

  “I mean, here's this girl who's insanely in love with you. And she's got you totally whipped. Her mom gets diagnosed with cancer. She could probably use a shoulder to cry on. Probably needs some sympathy fucks.” He raised his eyebrows when I made a face. “Don't deny it's true. We both know it. Chicks crave sex when they're sad or worried.”

  Abby and I just craved sex with each other, period.

  “She's gonna need a support system. Just like her mom is gonna need one. And, like it or not, you've been her support system for the past fucking year. It's a total no-brainer. But she doesn't want you to miss out on the baseball thing. And kudos to her for putting that first. Thinking about you and how important that is. But to just cut you off at the balls and give up? To say you're done, regardless of whether you stay or go? That's a shitty thing to do.”

  “Agreed.” I took a long pull from my beer. “So now I'm just kind of stuck, I guess.”

  Griffin frowned at me. “Stuck how?”

  “Stuck on what to do.”

  His frown deepened and he shook his head. “No, you're not. You're still doing exactly what you said you were gonna do. You're going to Arizona, West. With or without her.”

  I opened my mouth to say something but he held up his hand, cutting me off.

  “What the hell's the point of staying here? You stay and keep going to Mesa and keep working your twenty hours a week at the baseball joint?” He rolled his eyes. “Where the hell is that gonna get you? I mean, you kind of hit the jackpot at the tryout, having the Arizona coach there. It's not like other schools are beating down your door. What is staying here gonna do for you?”

  He didn't let me answer. “And what about Abby? You don't think you're gonna run into her here? She'll probably still be taking classes at Mesa. Tell me that isn't gonna be awkward. Seeing your ex-girlfriend. Knowing you gave up a fucking scholarship and four-year degree for some chick who won't even give you the time of day.”

  My gut tightened at the thought.

  “I know you love her, man.” His voice dropped a little and, if I didn't know better, I'd think he was trying to be all sensitive and un-Griffin like. “But you gotta forget about that. Just like she's trying to forget about you.”

  FORTY

  There was a knock on the door the next morning. Griffin and I had battled over the bathroom, with me beating him to the shower.

  “Are you getting the door?” I yelled from inside the bathroom.

  “I'm not dressed.”

  “Yeah, me, either,” I said. I tugged on a pair of boxer briefs, then grabbed the pair of shorts folded up on the sink.

  The knocking got louder.

  He had two roommate appointments that morning but I didn't know what time.

  I opened the bathroom door, my hair still dripping and saw a half-naked Griffin pulling the front door open.

  Tana's mouth dropped open.

  I hurried down the hallway, zipping and buttoning my shorts.

  “Hey,” I said, pushing Griffin out of the way. He wore a threadbare pair of white boxers that hid nothing. And there was a shitload he should have had tucked away that morning.

  Tana lifted her eyes from his raging hard-on.

  “Uh. Hi.”

  “You're the best friend,” Griffin said, smiling. “Right? Tanya?”

  “Tana,” she said. “And you're the best friend, too.”

  They'd only met once, I realized. She'd spent most of the year in San Luis at school.

  “Dude, go get dressed,” I said.

  “I was waiting for the shower.”

  I leaned close to him, my voice low. “Watching porn while you were waiting?” I nodded toward the flagpole in his shorts.

  He grinned. “Just my way of saying good morning.”

  Tana bit back a smile.

  I shoved him. Hard. “Go.”

  “I wasn't done talking,” he complained. “Or looking. Have you always been this hot?” he asked Tana.

  “Yep.”

  He burst out laughing. “I think I like you. We should go out.”

  “In your dreams.”

  “I'm your wildest dream come true,” he told her, his smile electric.

  “He's actually a total fucking nightmare,” I said. I shoved him again. “Go showe
r before I kick your ass.”

  “Whatever,” he said good-naturedly. “You think about it, Tana. 'Cuz I'll be thinking about you in the shower.” He strolled down the hallway and closed the bathroom door.

  I turned back to look at her. “I'm sorry. He can be an overbearing ass sometimes but he's harmless.”

  She raised an eyebrow. “Harmless? Seems like a sexist pig to me.”

  “Well, he is,” I admitted. “But he's also a pretty decent friend. Most days.” I looked at her. “Don't take this the wrong way...but why are you here?”

  She hooked her thumb under the strap on her shoulder and adjusted her purse. “I went over to Abby's last night. She told me she talked to you.”

  “Okay.” I waited a minute. “You wanna come in and talk? I have to leave for work but I have a few minutes.”

  “Sure.”

  She stepped inside and her eyes scanned the living room. I looked at it through a stranger's eyes—the empty beer bottles on the coffee table, my dirty socks still on the floor. The sink was piled with dirty dishes and crumbs littered the dining room table. I couldn't remember the last time we'd vacuumed.

  “It's kind of a mess.” I wondered if Griffin had any plans to clean up before the potential roommates came over.

  “Duh. Two guys live here.” She brushed the crumbs to the floor and took a seat at the table.

  “You want some orange juice or something?” I asked.

  She shook her head. “Nope.”

  “Okay.” I sat down next to her. “So you saw Abby last night?”

  “I saw all of the Sellers, actually.” She set her purse on the table. “Her mom goes in for her first round of chemo today. I brought over some cookies. She loves chocolate. I know she won't be hungry but sometimes it helps to have foods you like.”

  I nodded. It was a nice gesture, exactly something I would expect Tana to do.

  “Except I'm not a great baker,” she said, smiling.

  “No?”

  “Not even good, actually.” She made a face. “I burned half of them.”

  I smiled. “Half isn't too bad.”

  “I guess.” She was quiet for a minute. “Anyway, I talked to Abby for a little bit. About...things.”

  “You mean about us.”

  She nodded.

  “So she told you we saw each other.”

  “Yeah.” She sighed. “Look, I'm not here to defend her or anything. I just want you to know where she's coming from.”

  “We were together for almost a year, Tana,” I said. “I'm pretty sure I know where she's coming from. She told me.”

  “I know, I know.” She stared at the table. “I just...I just wish there was a way to fix all this. She came back from Arizona and she was so happy. Like, everything was perfect. She couldn't stop talking about how excited she was. About you. Moving to Arizona. Transferring there. You made her happy, West. You did that.”

  I leaned back in my chair and listened.

  “And then she found out about her mom. Mrs. Sellers didn't want to tell her. She was actually going to delay treatment until Abby left. But her dad thought she should know before she left. He knew how upset she'd be if they kept it from her.” She played with the strap on her purse, winding it around her finger. “I don't think anyone expected her to do what she did. Her mom wanted her to go to Arizona. Stick with the plan. Her dad was more on board with her sticking around here.” She looked up at me. “But no one wanted her to break things off with you.”

  “Well, she did.”

  “I know,” she said, nodding. “I'm just saying no one expected that. Or wanted it.”

  I shrugged. “I'm not sure it really matters.”

  “It probably doesn't,” she said. “I just...” Her voice trailed off and she frowned.

  “What?”

  “I'm not sure what I'm trying to say,” she said, shaking her head. “I guess...I guess I just wanted you to know that she isn't doing this to hurt you.”

  “Well that's a big fucking fail then.”

  She nodded. “I know. But you have to understand. She thinks she's doing what's best for you. She knows it's not the best thing for her. But she honestly thinks it's what's best for you.”

  “She's wrong. Dead wrong.”

  “Maybe. But in her head she thinks she's got it dead right. She doesn't want to be the girlfriend that keeps you from this great opportunity, you know? She doesn't want to be one of those girls because she's afraid you'll end up resenting her for it.”

  “I wouldn't,” I said, leaning back in the chair. “I wouldn't.”

  “Maybe,” she said, looking at me. “But you don't know that for sure.”

  “Yeah. I do.”

  She shook her head. “No. You don't. You might know it right now. But in a few years? Maybe you don't get another chance and maybe it starts to hurt a little more than you thought it would. And maybe you think about it more than you thought you would.” She shrugged. “You never know. But she doesn't want to be the one responsible for that.”

  I looked away from her. I didn't think a word of what she was saying would ever come true. I didn't know if I'd get another chance, but I was pretty damn sure I'd never find another Abby. I wouldn't ever resent that.

  “Tell her she's wrong,” I said.

  “I did. I have. She won't listen.”

  “Convince her.”

  She laughed and shook her head. “I've tried. Because I know she's going to be absolutely miserable when you leave. I'm with you. This shouldn't be happening. But she's not listening. To me or anyone else.”

  I rolled my eyes. So goddamned stubborn.

  “You think she'd really refuse to see me if I stayed?” I asked.

  Her mouth twisted for a moment and then she gave me a half smile. “I'm not sure. My first reaction is to say no, I think she'd cave.” The smile faded. “But she's serious about not wanting to be the albatross, the chick who kept you from baseball. And you know how stubborn she is. So it's certainly possible.”

  I sighed. “This is such bullshit.”

  “It really is,” she said. “I'm sorry. I wish I had an answer for you.” She stood. “But I just wanted you to know. It's killing her, but she really is doing it for you.”

  I stood. “Thanks. I think.”

  “Leaving so soon?” Griffin asked, emerging from the bathroom in nothing but a white towel wrapped around his waist.

  She looked him up and down. “If you were really thinking of me in the shower, I have to say I'm disappointed that you're done so quickly.”

  He started to say something, then stopped. She'd done the impossible. She'd rendered him speechless.

  She walked over and patted his damp, bare chest. “Maybe work on your stamina for awhile and then get back to me, 'kay?”

  He opened his mouth again, but failed to find the words.

  Tana looked at me as she opened the door. “If anything changes or I think of anything, West, I'll let you know. I promise.”

  FORTY ONE

  Spending the day at work convinced me of what I needed to do.

  I'd left Griffin to work on his stamina after Tana said goodbye and I'd headed back to the academy for a full day of work. As much as I didn't feel like working, I knew that having a distraction was better than sitting around and stewing all day.

  I led my group through stretching and warm-ups before we went through a series of fielding drills and then hit the cages to work on driving the ball to the opposite field. It was one of those subtle skills that young players rarely worked on, but could make a huge difference to coaches evaluating them for traveling and high school teams. I showed them how to shift their feet, how to sit back in the box and wait on the pitch and how to tweak their swing just enough to send the ball in the opposite direction. Most struggled at first, but slowly they began to pick it up and started swinging with confidence. By the end of the day, I was able to call out where I wanted them to drive the ball and most could do it without much warning. They were high-fiving
and excited as they left for the day.

  And I knew that any of them would kill for the offer I was waffling on.

  If Abby wanted me to stay, I would. No questions asked. I would.

  But if she didn't want me there? It was stupid to stay and waste the opportunity. A waste of my time and a waste of a chance that had fallen into my lap. I didn't want to be Patrick in a few years, scrambling to make ends meet, wondering if I could slide into some coaching job that might cover the bills for at least a few months. I'd do it if I had Abby by my side but without her? Not a chance.

  So I knew I owed Coach Childs a phone call and I knew what I was going to tell him.

  I got home and tossed my keys on the counter. I called out for Griffin, but didn't get an answer. I assumed he was out surfing or eating or doing something else Griffin-like. I grabbed my phone and sat down on the couch. I thumbed through the directory and found his number. I stared at it.

  Once I called him, there was no going back. I wasn't going to tell him yes and then go back on my word again. I wasn't going to do that to him.